Behaving Badly

So a new year has begun. Work is becoming manageable again, and Little A is back at school. Much to his dismay.

Unlike older school age children, Little A has long loved school, particularly these last few months. He would spell "Let go to school" or "Car school" even on weekends and especially on rainy days that forced classes to be called off.

In the last few months, he improved significantly in the social area, seeking out playmates and voluntarily joining group activities. I hoped the three week Christmas break wouldn't cause any setbacks. He seemed eager enough to return, judging by the amount of time he spent poring over the photos of their Christmas program, and the number of instances he asked me to name his classmates in the photos. Perhaps I should have crossed my fingers.

Monday morning, first day back, Little A sat in the car outside of school, a little apprehensive. He went into the classroom cheerfully, pushed me out as usual, and began his first day back.

When I picked him up that afternoon, he was crying. His Shadow Teacher told me there had been clapping in the class, and that bothered him. I assumed it was a song or an activity that was part of circle time or something similar, so I consoled him and reminded him that if he was upset by clapping he could just clap "his" way (putting fingers of one hand to the palm of the other, without sound) or ask his Shadow Teacher to clap that way.

That night, he refused to go to sleep. I reminded him that tomorrow was Tuesday and there would be school again, and that made him more upset. Every time his eyes shut, he would stamp his feet or flap about to keep himself awake. He finally fell asleep at 230am.

Tuesday and Wednesday at school were similar. While in the car, he would ask particularly to go to the bookstore, or the toy store, instead of to school. I thought he was just adjusting to being back, but when I'd pick him up, he had been crying again. I asked the Shadow if the clapping was due to an activity planned by the teachers, and he replied that some classmates were provoking Little A into getting upset by deliberately clapping in the way he didn't like.

When I asked what was being done about this, and put it down to children being wilful or naughty, he said that the teachers had asked the kids to stop, so I assumed things were under control. I also wanted Little A to get that he couldn't always control the environmnent around him, and thought this was a way for him to adjust. The Shadow said he was communicating well using his word cards, which was a great thing.

On Thursday, during Speech Therapy, his therapist asked about school. When she asked if he was going to play with his classmates at school that day, Little A started crying, then took the photo of his classmates, shook his head, put it on the floor and jumped up and down on it angrily. This was a clear sign that something was really wrong.

I didn't realize just how traumatised my son was until Friday morning, when I dropped him off and he had tears in his eyes. I tried to hug him, but he was being brave and pushed me away, and walked into the classroom crying quietly. I rushed after him and pulled out the pack of word cards, reminding him to use them with Teacher, if anything upset him. He watched carefully until I left.

That day, he had a good day at school. The Shadow reported that he joined a game with the other kids, and enjoyed himself. So I thought we were back on track. Until today.

Today was another crying day. And by now my mum had already heard some of the story - how Little A wasn't sleeping because he was so afraid of school the next day, and how he would walk into the classroom crying - and she was fuming. My mother has an MA in  Child Psychology, and she has taught at, run and set up preschools and school guidance offices in the city's big schools. She recognised that Little A was being bullied, and demanded that something be done about it.

We spoke to the Shadow, who was careful not to name names, even when I did, because I saw who frightened my son when he would look around his classroom at certain faces and start crying. He was still vague about the nature of most of the incidents, which prevented me from getting a very clear picture. Still, I scheduled a meeting with the Headmistress the next day.

I recognise that my son is not the easiest child to manage in a classroom, and he can be disruptive at times. But his school accepted him that way, and in many ways has been helpful about his needs. I would think that their policy should not only discourage bullying but set a positive values program for all the children who attend. I could, as with many other things, though, be wrong. More after the meeting.
 

Bully for You

At his cousin's second birthday party this afternoon, Little A got pushed a couple of times and smacked around the face by a boy twice his size and probably thrice his age.

The party was a long play session at The Little Gym, which meant there were about 2 dozen children aged one to twelve jumping, running, swinging and throwing things in a large room with padded floors. Plus one adult for every young child and a few teachers. Loud music, screaming kids - pandemonium, in other words.

Little A likes these types of parties, where kids just do their thing and there is no one to force them to play games or sit down. He thoroughly enjoyed himself right up until the end of the party, when some big boys decided to turn two large cushions on their sides and ride them like horses.

He ran up to them, wanting to have a turn. One boy told him to go away because they were already there ahead of him, but he ran forward again with a big smile. At this, another boy pushed him roughly away.

Little A then turned to the other cushion, which had fewer boys crowding it. The boy who'd pushed him already reached over and gave him another shove.

Once can be an accident, but twice is intentional. When the cushion was at last available and Little A bouncing happily on it for about two minutes, the boy ran over from the other size of the room, smacked him on the mouth and pushed him off it so he could get back on.

My son is no sissy, and never complains with rough play or even mild pain, but this smack must have hurt because he put his hand to his mouth and cried for a few seconds. If the party hadn't been at an end, I would have Had Words (to borrow the capitals from a former schoolfriend and fellow blogger) with the boy's mother. But children and parents were leaving and there was general chaos so I just left it.

My sister, the host, was outraged on hearing what happened a couple of hours later, when I discovered that the bully's fingernail had left a nasty red mark on Little A's cheek. Apparently the boy was a brother of one of her son's friends, and had she witnessed the rough play she would have asked the big boys to leave the play area.

I am thankful my son is not an aggressive boy. He loves to hug and goes up to random strange children in shopping centres sometimes. At the playground in our apartment building, he stands at the top of the slide and doesn't let anyone past him to slide down until he's hugged them. While he can hug a little too tightly, I feel that this is miles better than shoving and smacking. And for a boy to be doing this to a much smaller child speaks terrible things of the people who are raising him.